Can you (and/or should you) be friends with your ex’s new partner?

That’s a question Dr. Gayle MacBride gets from time to time, so she put together some thoughts to help guide people in similar situations. 

Becoming friends with an ex’s new partner is very tricky and for the most part isn’t something that people do for all the reasons you can imagine:

1. This is emotionally complex and will take a great deal of emotional maturity on the behalf of ALL involved.  One of you can spoil this delicate balance. 

2. Unresolved feelings – this can be hard because sometimes you don’t realize you have feelings until you see them happy or unhappy with someone else. 

3. These unresolved feelings can lead you to do or say things you should with the new partner

4. Awkward moments – you know WAAAAY too much about this potential new friend’s partner (aka your ex), then where does your new partner fit in this whole thing?

5. Drama. Sometimes people outside of the three of you might even stir this up (knowingly or unknowingly) this will be perceived as pretty juicy. 

6. The two of you might be able to swing it, but has the ex consented to this new friendship and vice versa, does the new partner feel ok with you being back in the life of your former flame?

It is possible and maybe even a good idea in certain circumstances:

1. Maybe you were independently friends with this person before they were dating your ex.

2. It might be ok if you share common interests that are outside of your ex (the topics of your talks should NOT be about your ex, especially comparing details of intimate moments, telling tales about the ex’s family with the new partner, or “dishing” on your break up – if you talk about this stick to facts and keep it simple, remember this new partner cares for your ex ).

3. Most tricky is if you BOTH have truly moved on and neither of you harbor feelings, AND the new partner also agrees that they are comfortable with this arrangement.  If you’ve both moved on but the new partner doesn’t feel secure in this, it can lead to problems. 

4. If you and the ex have children together and you continue to co-parent, then being friends or friendly with the ex’s new partner might be helpful.  This is especially true if they are a fairly significant person in your ex’s life. 

5. It can be easier to accomplish this if you both have a good network of people to support you both.  It’s problematic if the people in your support systems are corrosive to any of the relationships in question. 

6. All involved need to have very good boundaries and be comfortable asking about and negotiating “what’s ok and what’s not ok” 

I like using Brene Brown’s 7 elements of trust here: boundaries, reliability, accountability, the vault, integrity, non-judgment, and generosity. 

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