Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.
Here’s a link to that article.
And, here’s her longer response:
Why might someone be inclined to be negative?
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Learned behavior/family of origin (FOO) – Sometimes we just grow up in families where negativity is the norm. These early life experiences shape or form how we understand the world and sometimes these patterns are fairly fixed. Although, they can be changed or addressed through self-reflection and sometimes may require therapy.
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Ongoing stress or challenges – Sometimes people develop negativity after what feels like an unending series of negative events. This kind of negativity can be a way of coping, including trying to prevent further disappointment. Sometimes people hope if they “expect disappointment” then when it happens, they won’t be disappointed. I’m not really sure that it really has every worked that way. Expecting to be hurt, really doesn’t make it hurt less and just leads us to living in that hurt even at times when we didn’t need to. This kind of mindset can lead to “Confirmation Bias”, which is essentially finding what you are looking for.
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The company you keep – We often start to act like people around us, this is “Conformity Bias”, which is when we tend to change our beliefs or behavior to fit in with others.
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Low self-esteem – People can be negative when they don’t feel good about themselves and they might want to hurt or tear down others as a coping mechanism to feel less badly about themselves.
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Manipulation – Sometimes people can espouse a negative point of view in order to convince someone else to do or believe something that they would otherwise not.
What are some risks of being too negative?
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Negative thinking can worsen anxiety and depression, for sure. That confirmation bias can deepen anxiety and depression.
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Negative thinking has been demonstrated to have an impact on our physical health, and not for the good. Literature suggests it raises blood pressure and can even weaken our immune response.
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Prolonged negativity increases the risks of someone coping with nicotine, alcohol, or abuse other substances.
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Being negative might also cause you social supports. Many people don’t want to be friends with the “Debbie Downer”. It can be too exhausting to be this person’s friend, so you might see your social circle shrink.
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Insomnia or other sleep problems might be an outcome of negative thinking, especially if you are finding yourself stuck on certain thoughts. Our brain is wired to keep us safe and it isn’t going to let us relax enough to get good sleep if it perceives a threat out there.
What is the difference between “avoiding negativity” and “toxic positivity?”
Avoiding negativity is a lot different than being positive. I always remind my clients that our goal in therapy isn’t to make them a “Pollyanna Positive” and I think this is a place where a lot of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists fail to help their clients or why treatment may not have worked for you before. Trying to “look on the bright side of life” is not any more balanced or realistic than the negative thoughts. I advocate for a much more balanced or accurate approach. Sometimes things are genuinely hard and it’s ok to acknowledge this and still stay out of negativity.
Toxic positivity leads to a denial of your own feelings and experiences. It can also lead to social isolation on the other end because people can’t live up to those impossible standards. Demanding to be positive all the time makes me wonder if that person is struggling with perfectionism which is its own battle that can cause anxiety and depression.
I once attended the funeral for my friend’s father. The eulogy by his wife was one that really stuck out to me. I didn’t know the man, but I loved how she talked about his mindset. Instead of seeing the challenges in life as “problems”, they talked about his incredible ability to frame those very events as “opportunities,” a chance to learn something new. Even if it doesn’t work out the way you’d hoped, they can never take away the experience, the learning, and resilience to try again. Both ends of the scale are problematic. A more nuanced, middle ground approach is preferable.
What are good tips for avoiding negativity?
Gratitude always tops my list as a way to avoid negativity. If you find what you look for, then a good way to remember that the event/day/life is not all bad. Sure, there are hard moments, but there is good in life too, you just have to be intentional about looking for it. In my house we use the “High, Low, Opportunity, and Looking Forward To” conversation as a way to practice these skills as a family. This helps all of us with “mindset training”, which is a skill that helps you be more intentional about shaping your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
Mindfulness is a great skill. This is different than mediation, which many people find difficult. Instead, mindfulness keeps you focused on the moment, instead of being negative, which is likely living in the past with a regret or resentment, or in the future, which is a fear of something that hasn’t happened yet. The present moment is the only moment that really exists.
We are influenced by the company we keep. One way to increase your positive outlook is to ditch the negative friends and be intentional about hanging out with people who have a brighter outlook. I think this also includes the media and social media we consume.
Identify the specific negative patterns you tend to fall into. We all fall into what psychologists call ‘cognitive distortions” which are irrational or unhelpful ways of thinking that often lead us to unproductive or negative results. I often remind my clients of the David Burns, MD quote “you feel the way you think.” We talk about distortions and usually people know right away which are the most common for them. Using this list helps people not only identify their negative patterns, but knowing the kind of error they have made in their thinking allows them to begin correcting it right away.
Another way to be a bit more positive is before responding to a question or request with “no” or “that can’t be done”, ask yourself “is there a way I can get to “yes” on this?” While the immediate outcome might be the same, your attitude can start to change. For example, if you are asked if you can do something and it’s not possible to do right now, can you offer to do it at a different time? If so, then your answer can be something like, “I’d love to; while I don’t have the bandwidth right now, next week looks a little quieter.”
Practice seeing small steps as progress and usen more nuanced thinking. Instead of being negative and assuming that “nothing changes” or no progress has been made, look for even the smallest changes and be intentional about acknowledging or even celebrating those.
What are ways to avoid negativity in others?
When others a negative or you yourself are tempted to be negative, try your best to notice it early. When others are negative around you, don’t take it personally. Recently I heard the advice, “Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from” (the quote was attributed to Morgan Freeman, but this may be an error). Nonetheless, it’s a wise sentiment.
The other strategy that I use when others are being negative is to mind my own reactions, I don’t feed the negativity and I try to keep the conversation short. You can accomplish this by changing the topic or leaving the conversation.
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