Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.
Here’s a link to that article.
And, here’s her longer response:
Learning how to politely disagree is important for healthy relationships and positive self-esteem. Being able to communicate effectively contributes to healthy relationships, constructive problem-solving and positive self-worth. Here are some key reasons why it’s important:
1. Promotes open dialogue: Polite disagreement encourages people to share their diverse perspectives and ideas. This openness fosters a more inclusive exchange of thoughts and opinions. If one person is withholding their ideas or opinions it teaches them and others that their perspectives don’t matter, sometimes leading them to be treated like a “doormat”. Sharing ideas, even when they are not in 100% alignment is a way to be more honest and authentic. It can be disingenuous to not share your thoughts and opinions.
2. Facilitates understanding: When you express your disagreement politely, you create an environment where others are more likely to listen and understand your point of view. It may also encourage others to feel brave enough to share when they disagree. This can lead to greater mutual understanding and empathy on all sides.
3. Strengthens relationships: Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, whether personal or professional. Handling disagreements politely helps prevent conflicts from escalating and can preserve or strengthen relationships over time and helps to establish boundaries which are necessary in any relationship.
4. Encourages critical thinking and personal growth: Polite disagreement encourages individuals to think critically about their own beliefs and ideas. It challenges them to refine their arguments and consider alternative viewpoints. We gain creditability when we listen to others and even allow for the aspects in which they may be correct. We may even find an opportunity to broaden or even change our own views as a result of self-reflection and awareness.
5. Supports problem-solving: Disagreements often arise when tackling complex issues or making decisions. Polite disagreement allows for a more effective exploration of potential solutions and compromises. JFK famously surrounded himself with people who held a variety of opinions and would disagree with him after the debacle of the Bay of Pigs. We can fall into “group think” which is a dangerous pattern in which groups of people who are like minded will tend to agree with each other, and even drift to a somewhat more extreme of that particular view or opinion (for example, being mildly or moderately “for” something can move to even more extreme support as a result of group think).
6. Reduces conflict escalation: When disagreements are handled respectfully, they are less likely to escalate into heated arguments or disputes, leading to a more peaceful and productive environment. Handling disputes early on and with respect can also help people avoid the resentments that can build and contribute to other tactics we can see in unfair fighting.
7. Encourages constructive feedback: Polite disagreement often involves providing feedback, which can be valuable for personal and professional growth. Keeping conversations polite allows for constructive feedback, which can actually promote personal growth.
8. Builds trust: When people know they can disagree with you without fear of aggression or hostility. They also know that you say what you mean and that they can count on you when you say positive things; they know that you mean them.
RISKS
Pretending to agree with someone when you don’t mean it can have some serious negative consequences. There may be times when it’s appropriate to avoid conflict by not expressing your disagreement with someone, consistently pretending to agree with someone is detrimental to you, them, and your relationships.
1. Suppression of your true feelings: Continuously pretending to agree can lead to the suppression of your genuine thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This pattern can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and even stress as you stifle your authentic self. This can lead to some serious self-esteem and worth concerns for the person who isn’t making their ideas and needs known.
2. Lack of personal growth: When you always agree with others, you may miss opportunities for personal growth and self-discovery. Constructive disagreements can lead to self-reflection, improved understanding of your own values, and the chance to refine your beliefs. You get a chance to ask yourself “what do I really think about this issue?”
3. Weakened relationships: Pretending to agree can erode trust in a relationship over time. If others discover that you have not been honest about your true feelings or opinions, they may feel deceived or manipulated, leading to a breakdown in trust. I love Brene Brown’s work on Trust – it’s such a small word but is quite complex. It has seven elements https://brenebrown.com/resources/the-braving-inventory/ many of these are violated if we are not honest with ourselves and others.
4. Ineffective problem-solving: When you always agree with others, you may miss the chance to identify and address potential issues or problems. Constructive disagreements can lead to more effective and sometimes creative problem-solving and decision-making.
5. Lack of respect for your boundaries: Consistently pretending to agree can make others assume that you will always comply with their wishes or opinions, potentially leading to a lack of respect for your boundaries and preferences.
6. Difficulty in asserting yourself: Over time, pretending to agree may make it more challenging to assert yourself when you genuinely need to express your disagreement or stand up for your beliefs. Asserting your position and using your own voice is like a muscle and it needs to be “exercised” for it to feel familiar and comfortable to use when you really need it.
8 PHRASES:
1. “I would like to respectfully disagree….”
Why: This phrase allows the speaker to alert the listener that the speaker has a different opinion and plans to offer that in a way that is respectful. I think alerting the other person that this difference of opinion is coming, helps them to hear it more thoroughly
2. “That is interesting, I’d offer my opinion…”
Why: This reminds the speaker and listener that what was just presented has merit and perhaps the disagreement is coming because the topic is engaging and maybe we are up for further conversion. It can also remind us to slow down when feeling the pull of disagreement. Slowing down our response can help us grow and see the merit in the other side of the argument.
3. “Thanks for sharing that information, my take is…”
Why: I believe that “thank you” is always appreciated, but it has to be genuine. This response can signal to the listener that maybe you hadn’t thoroughly understood the issue or thought about their perspective. That said, just because they have offered a new take, doesn’t mean your opinion will change.
4. “I can see your perspective, and I’d like to add…”
Why: I love the power of “and” it is additive. “I can see your perspective but…” takes away from what the other person is saying. The “and” in this case tells your listener you want to contribute to what they are saying. You are more likely to mitigate defensiveness with this kind of response.
5. “I can hear that, and I feel differently….”
Why: “I understand” or “I get it” are over used and not appreciated by the listener. In large part because often it’s not true. Often the other person doesn’t “get it”, not at least to the satisfaction of the speaker. “I can hear that” doesn’t assume a level of understanding that really isn’t there to begin with.
6. “Are you up for hearing an alternative?”
Why: This is about boundaries. We often violate the boundaries of others without even realizing it. Asking the other person if you are ready to hear another perspective gives them a chance to consent to that part of the conversation or to say “No, I think that might be too upsetting”. At very least they can walk away knowing that you think differently about the topic.
7. “I have a different viewpoint that I’d like to share…”
Why: I think this phrase is good for much the same reasons as above. This version is a bit softer and less of a direct request for consent, but it no less signals to the other person that you have unique thoughts on the matter.
8. “That’s really cool, and what role does XYZ play in that?”
Why: This phrase is a great way to show curiosity for what the other person just said. Active listening keeps you engaged and tends to keep defensiveness at bay. Asking this kind of open ended question can help the other person provide an explanation that might even address your concern or perspective.
WHAT NOT TO SAY AND WHY
“Now you’re just being dumb” (or some other insult) Avoid personal attacks. Refrain from making personal insults, name-calling, or derogatory comments about the person you disagree with. Stick to discussing ideas and opinions rather than attacking the individual.
Don’t dismiss their perspective: Avoid phrases like “You’re wrong” or “That’s ridiculous.” Such statements can be dismissive and express contempt for the other person and shut down the conversation. Instead, try to understand their viewpoint before presenting your own. Keep the conversation about the idea and not the person.
Avoid making it personal: Keep the focus on the topic or issue at hand, and don’t bring up unrelated personal matters, grudges, or past disagreements.
“You really should have…” is an admonishment that isn’t going to go over well in a disagreement. In order to keep a conversation civil when tensions are running high, you will want to save any kind of corrections or suggestions for a time when they can be offered and heard in a constructive way.
I like to challenge myself to be curious – “in what way is the other person right?” This reminds me that most people enter a disagreement with the basic assumption that they are right. When I can connect to this and restate it in a way they feel heard, it increases the likelihood they will hear me out as well.
Don’t use absolutes: Avoid phrases like “always” and “never” when expressing your disagreement, as they can come across as overly rigid and may not accurately represent the other person’s position.
Avoid condescending tones: Speaking down to someone (either making your word choice overly simplified when it is not called for or exaggerating or elongating words for effect) or using a condescending tone can escalate the conflict and make the conversation unproductive. Treat the other person with respect and courtesy.
“Let me just interrupt you right there…” Don’t interrupt: Allow the other person to finish their thoughts before you respond. Interrupting can be seen as disrespectful and can hinder effective communication.
Avoid sarcasm: Sarcasm or even jokes at the expense of the other person can easily be misinterpreted and may escalate tensions. It’s better to be straightforward and clear in your communication.
Don’t exaggerate or make assumptions: Stick to the facts and avoid exaggerating or making assumptions about the other person’s position or intentions. Misrepresenting their viewpoint can lead to further misunderstanding.
Avoid overgeneralizing: Be specific in your disagreements and avoid making broad, sweeping statements. Provide evidence or examples to support your viewpoint.
Don’t use emotional manipulation: Avoid guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, or trying to make the other person feel bad for their opinion. This is not a constructive way to engage in a disagreement.
Avoid one-upping: Don’t try to outdo the other person by listing your accomplishments or knowledge to diminish their perspective. Instead, focus on the merits of the argument itself.
Don’t make it a competition: Avoid turning the disagreement into a competition to see who can “win” the argument. The goal should be to arrive at a better understanding or resolution, not to prove yourself right. Once you are focused on “winning” you have probably lost.
STRUGGLING TO BE HONEST
If you are struggling to be honest, but you disagree try these things:
1. Practice active listening: Start by actively listening to the other person’s perspective without immediately responding or expressing your disagreement (a nonjudgmental/curious stance). This gives you a chance to fully understand their viewpoint, motivations, and concerns. Active listening shows respect and empathy, which can help create a more open and receptive atmosphere for a productive conversation.
Why it’s beneficial: Active listening allows you to gather information and insights that can inform your response when you do decide to express your disagreement. It also demonstrates your willingness to engage in a thoughtful dialogue rather than simply contradicting the other person.
2. Choose the right moment: Timing is crucial when expressing disagreement. Look for an appropriate and respectful moment to share your perspective, rather than immediately challenging the other person’s viewpoint. Consider the context and environment to ensure that your conversation can be conducted in a calm and focused manner.
Why it’s beneficial: Picking the right moment reduces the likelihood of an emotionally charged or confrontational exchange. It allows both parties to engage more rationally and constructively, increasing the chances of a productive discussion. Remember, just because you disagree, it doesn’t mean you need to give voice to that disagreement right now. Sometimes the best path forward is to pause and not try to “solve the problem”, but to create empathy and empathic attunement (this is from the work of John and Julie Gottman)
3. Use “I” statements: When you’re ready to express your disagreement, use “I” statements to communicate how you feel or what you think without placing blame or making the other person defensive. It can be very tricky – even in my practice with clients as we role-play these conversations I will slip up. My goal is to get the “you” out of the statement. For example, say, “I see things differently because…” instead of “You’re wrong.” This approach takes ownership of your perspective and promotes a more respectful and non-confrontational tone. I especially like and use the “Compliment, I feel ___, I need ___” approach in conflict.
Why it’s beneficial: “I” statements focus on your feelings and thoughts rather than making the other person feel attacked or criticized. They encourage open dialogue and are less likely to escalate the situation into an argument. With “compliment, I feel ___, I need___” it helps to remind you and the other person about what you like and respect about the other individual or their perspective. Then you can be very clear about your emotional experience, finally, you have a chance to share what you need in a transparent way. This gives your listener a chance to help out or collaborate.
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