No one is perfect and no parent is perfect. Therefore, parents are going to make mistakes when they are raising their children. There is no reason to make a big issue about a mistake. The parents should learn from their mistake and hopefully this will improve their parenting skills. When 17 or 18 year old teens come into the office and are complaining about their parents mistakes, I point out that no parent is perfect and ask what good is it going to do to continue to blame their parents. Yes their parents made a mistake, but at 17 or 18, the teenager needs to resolve the issue. Is this fair, no. But, the world is not fair.
There is one mistake that parents make that they are responsible for making in regards to their children. Remember a child’s frontal lobes of their brains are not fully developed until the age of 25. The frontal lobes are the part of the brain responsible for handling abstract reasoning and for making rational decisions. So if their frontal lobes are not developed, why would you ask a child or teenager if they think they need therapy or not? They are not physically mature enough to make this decision for themselves, yet I see parents make this mistake daily.
Think about it do you ask your child if they want to get their yearly physical or go to the dentist? Children and teenagers complain all the time about physicals, getting immunizations or going to the dentist. Parents don’t say okay we will wait until you feel you need to go. Parents say it’s important that you go and I said you are going. This is a time as a parent you need to assert your authority as the parent to ensure that your child is healthy.
If you are noticing signs of depression or severe anxiety, why would you ask your child if they want to go to therapy? Most children are going to say no due to the stereotype associated with therapy. Yes a teen needs to feel comfortable with their therapist so asking if they are comfortable with a therapist makes sense. However asking if they want to go to therapy is a mistake. As a parent if you notice or the school notices a mental health issue and you consult a therapist, who confirms that your child needs therapy then it is your responsibility as a parent to get your child therapy.
Recently the Court found a mother and father guilty for a school shooting because they failed to get their son mental health care even though it was obvious that he needed therapy. If you are scheduling a conversation with a psychotherapist to determine if your child needs therapy, they need therapy. As a parent you would not go that far unless you are seeing issues that you are concerned about regarding your child’s behavior. Pick out to therapist that you are comfortable with and have your child select the one they feel most comfortable with talking to. Also follow the therapist’s instructions at the beginning. A psychotherapist needs approximately four assessment sessions before they can provide you with specific information. They may need longer if the teenager is being difficult to work with in therapy.
I understand it might sound harsh telling your child they are going to therapy and you are not discussing it. However, remember their brains are not mature enough to make this type of decision and how many times have you had to tell them they are doing what their primary care doctor or dentist said and you are not discussing it. Being a parent is very difficult in 2024. Also there is plenty of research indicating that children and teenagers need therapy. Remember the CDC has reported an epidemic of anxiety and depression in children and teenagers and suicide is the second leading cause of death in children 10 to 18 years old. So give them a choice of which psychotherapist they work with but do not make psychotherapy an option.
Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 25 years experience working with children, teenagers, trauma survivors including first responders. For more information about his work visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or www.Facebook.com/drrubino3