5 Ways to Help Your Teen Thrive in High School

Are you a parent struggling to keep up with all the changes occurring in your teenager's life? Maybe you long for the closeness you once had with your child. Maybe you're worried about their peer group or academic success or future plans. These are common concerns, and they can feel so unsettling.
While you can’t control your child's personality or behavior, you can focus on building a healthy relationship.
Nicole Arzt, LMFT
By Nicole Arzt, licensed marriage and family therapist, author.

High school can be such a complex time for the entire family. As your teen is transitioning from childhood to adulthood, they must also reconcile the nuances of identity formation, academic pressure, peer relationships, and hormonal changes. It may feel exciting, but it’s also really stressful. 

The good news is that you play such a key role in shaping your child’s development during these formative years. Of course, this may feel easier said than done. If you’re feeling confused or worried, here are some practical guidelines that may help.

1. Prioritize Maintaining a Supportive Home Environment

A supportive home environment sets the foundation for emotional safety. Feeling secure at home matters. It can support your child to internalize their inherent value. This may lead to more confidence and resilience, which can carry them into their futures. 

Ideally, a supportive home environment embodies the following:

  • Open communication: Prioritizing honesty encourages teenagers to freely share their needs, feelings, and preferences. Aim to show a genuine interest in your child’s life. There’s a sense of mutual respect where your child can genuinely sense you accept them for who they are.
  • Consistent, age-appropriate boundaries: Your limits should honor a sense of autonomy and allow room for negotiation when needed. It’s also important to explain why these limits are in place. 
  • Permission for physical and emotional privacy: All children need to have freedom, and this need becomes particularly important during the teenage years. Consider how privacy plays into issues like social media, spending time with friends, and even just completing school work. 
  • Emotional availability: As a parent, this means you strive to be there for them when needed, whether that’s with assistance with homework assignments, teaching various life skills, taking them to various social activities, and simply showing up to be appropriately involved in their daily routine.

2. Emphasize Good Time Management and Organization Skills

High school students need to juggle multiple demands within their typical school routine, including studying and doing homework, engaging in extracurricular activities, spending time with friends, and family obligations, on any given day. A busy schedule can quickly become overwhelming. 

Some teenagers shut down or procrastinate when they feel overburdened. Others become perfectionistic and try to “do it all.” Teenagers with ADHD, anxiety, or depression may be more prone to struggling with time management. As a parent, consider how you model your own time management. Remember, even if you don’t realize it, your teenager watches what you do.

Here are some other tips that may help:

  • Create an optimal environment: This particular environment should have limited to no clutter or external distractions. Encourage your child to make this space “their own” by furnishing or decorating it in a way that reflects their individual taste.
  • Encourage to-do lists: To-do lists instill a sense of empowerment and productivity. Teach your teenager how to prioritize various tasks each day or week so they know the order of “what to do” at a given time.1 
  • Discuss time blocking: Time blocking refers to designating specific chunks of time for different tasks, including studying for a test, completing homework, or practicing a sport.

3. Encourage Adaptive Problem-Solving Skills

Parents often feel tempted to solve their child’s problems for them. This ‘rescuing’ desire comes from a place of good intentions. Of course, you don’t want to see your teenager struggle or make decisions they later regret. However, it’s crucial for parents to instill the value of critical thinking and reconciling mistakes. Sometimes, this does mean letting your child manage their adversities without you directly intervening.

You can do this by:

  • Asking them about their options: Instead of telling your child what to do in a certain situation, consider asking, ‘What options do you have?’ or, ‘What would you tell a friend to do in this situation?’ This encourages independent self-analysis.
  • Reviewing the pros and cons together: Ask your child what risks and benefits they see associated with making a certain choice. Explore how they might cope if they are confronted with an unwanted consequence.
  • Embracing natural consequences: Although it may feel painful, children often do need to learn through their own experiences. This means letting your teenager make decisions, even if you know the outcome may not be ideal. If things don’t go well, try to resist “fixing it” right away. Instead, offer your support and discuss potential options for moving forward together.2 

4. Teach Emotional Regulation Strategies

Now is the ideal time to emphasize the importance of self-care and emotional regulation for your teenager. Learning coping strategies and distress tolerance skills now allows them to start implementing habits that will support their well-being into adulthood.

Here are some proven strategies:

  • Deep breathing: Deep breaths decrease immediate stress by slowing down the nervous system and implementing a sense of relaxation. You can teach your child how to engage in boxed breathing or the 4-4-4-4 technique (inhale through your nose for 4 counts, hold the breath for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts ,and hold again 4 more counts)
  • Encourage self-compassion: Research shows self-compassion coincides with increased psychological wellness.3 Teach your teenager to be kind to themselves, especially when they make mistakes or are struggling with their emotions. Self-compassionate phrases sound like, “I’m allowed to have a hard time,” and, “It’s okay to make mistakes,” and “I am doing the best I can.”
  • Immediate distress tolerance techniques: Work with your child to manage intense emotions when they arise. This may include taking a walk, journaling, rubbing ice on their arms, or screaming into a pillow- all of these can support adaptive emotional regulation.4 

5. Seek Professional Support and Team-Based Resources

It’s estimated that half of all teenagers have had a mental health condition. The teen years are already challenging, and mental health issues can exacerbate those challenges. A qualified therapist can provide your child with support and tailored guidance to help them navigate this vulnerable time.

Along with finding a licensed provider who specializes in working with teenagers5, consider:

  • Encouraging your teen’s involvement: Make the process of finding a therapist collaborative. Would your child prefer to work with someone younger or older? A man or woman? If you are willing to accommodate their preferences, they may feel more invested in the process.
  • Stay open to family therapy or your own individual therapy: Having your own support can help you orient the right boundaries within your home. It may also be important for you to have a private space to share your concerns- this can prevent you from unknowingly projecting them onto your child or other family members. 
  • Respect their privacy: Check in with your teenager about their treatment but don’t become overly involved. They deserve a right to their own privacy, and they may get more out of therapy if they can trust it won’t feel micromanaged.
  • Stay connected with their school: Having relationships with your teen’s teachers during the school year keeps you connected to what’s happening in the classroom. Checking in- especially if your child is having a hard time- helps you understand if you’re missing something. Your teen may be eligible for a 504 plan, which offers various accommodations, including extra time on tests, modified homework assignments, more breaks during the day, and more. Check with your school’s administration to learn how to start this process.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, children are more likely to thrive when they know they are nurtured, valued, and protected. Even if your teenager doesn’t outwardly show a desire for closeness (which is developmentally typical at this age!), they still need your warmth and stability. 

While you can’t control your child’s personality or behavior, you can focus on building a healthy relationship that promotes guidance and encouragement. Your love supports your teenager to make the most of their high school experience- and it may successfully pave a wonderful path for entering early adulthood. 

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References

  1. Harvard Business Review. (2022, January 28). Why we continue to rely on (and love) to-do lists. Retrieved from: https://hbr.org/2022/01/why-we-continue-to-rely-on-and-love-to-do-lists
  2. Oklahoma State University Extension. (n.d.). Parenting with natural and logical consequences (T-2390). Retrieved from: [PDF].
  3. Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2009). Self-compassion and psychological resilience. National Center for Biotechnology Information. Retrieved from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2790748/
  4. Kaiser Permanente. (2020). Distress tolerance: DBT skills. Retrieved from: [PDF].
  5. National Alliance on Mental Illness, Santa Clara County. (2019). Tips on finding the right therapist for teens Retrieved from: [PDF].