Maintaining connection in long-term partnerships can be challenging. Often, we become absorbed in daily responsibilities, and our romantic relationships may start to resemble functional roommate arrangements rather than intimate partnerships. Sustaining connection and intimacy requires intention. Notice I said “intention,” not “labor or work,” because there’s a distinction between the two. “Intention” refers to a purposeful aim or direction, whereas “labor” suggests a task that must be completed. While it’s not mandatory to be intentional in our relationships, aiming to nurture connection and intimacy can offer significant rewards.
Bids for Connection
In a relationship, each individual makes bids for connection to foster intimacy and emotional closeness. These bids, whether verbal or non-verbal, can be easily mistaken for ordinary conversation or habitual gestures that may go unnoticed over time. Examples include sharing a thought about something seen or read, asking a question, seeking support for a difficult issue, or reaching out to hold hands. These everyday moments are opportunities to demonstrate care and attention. For instance, if your partner mentions an interesting news article about science or music, it’s a bid to connect over a shared topic of interest.
How you respond to these bids is crucial for the health of your relationship. Positive responses, known as “turning towards,” strengthen the bond between partners. In contrast, dismissive or indifferent responses, known as “turning away,” can erode the connection and impact relationship satisfaction.
Turning Away
When you or your partner make a bid for connection and it is not received in a positive way then this is referred to as turning away. Unfortunately, turning away may happen without the individual even realizing they aren’t responding in a way that helps to foster connection. For example, if your partner is trying to have a conversation with you, but you are on the phone and only listening half-way, then this is often perceived as turning away. It is also possible that you are missing your partner’s bids for connection because you aren’t sure what they look like. If your partners bids for connection look different than yours then you may not recognize the behavior as a bid for connection. These miscommunications can lead to less connection and intimacy.
Turning Towards
The good news is that turning towards is not overly complicated and doesn’t take hours a day to do. Turning towards requires only that you understand what your partner’s bids for connection look like and respond to them in a positive way. This may look like turning to smile at your partner if they brush their hand over your back when walking by or asking questions about a topic they are trying to discuss with you. Showing interest in your partner doesn’t require grand gestures, it requires only that you give your attention on a fairly regular basis.
Your relationship will not be ruined if you miss some of your partner’s bids for connection. In fact, research done by Gottman Institute shows that couples who remain married turn towards their partners bids for connection 86% of the time. This same research showed that couples who divorced turned toward each other only 33% of the time.
If you and your partner are struggling to turn towards each other’s bids for connection, or have a hard time recognizing each other’s bids for connection, couples counseling could open doors to understanding. If you are ready to engage in relationship therapy please click the button below.