Most boys and teenage boys have grown up hearing a stereotype about what it takes “to be a man.” While many teenage boys may not agree with the stereotype, they are afraid to deviate from it because they don’t want to be labeled as “gay.” According to the research, this stereotype typically leads boys to becoming sexually active in middle school. Again this is based on current research data (CDC). Additionally it shows that boys also tend to feel a sense of isolation due to the stereotype. The stereotype makes teenage boys believe they should be prepared to handle life like a grown man. However, they are not fully mature nor are they prepared to handle everything on the own. However, due to the stereotype they feel they cannot ask for help or share their concerns with their friends. We can see the difference by looking at teenage girls. Teenage girls discuss practical everything with their friends and therefore they feel supported by their friends and don’t have a sense of isolation. Since boys don’t seriously talk with their friends and instead tend to joke with each other, they don’t know how other guys their age are feeling and don’t have a supportive bond with their friends. Hence they feel isolated, alone and like failures at the age of 16 years old.
This article is going to discuss the epidemic of addiction to porn that many teenage boys and men are dealing with today. In our society sex is a tabooed subject. It is unusual if anyone sits down with a teenage boy and discusses sex. They typically learn about sex by talking to friends, by having sex or a very common way watching pornography. However, pornography is viewed as something “dirty” by many people. Therefore, teens who are watching pornography and learning about sex this way have a tendency to view sex as “dirty”(APA). Since teen boys are thinking of sex as dirty, they are ashamed to discuss sex with responsible adults and therefore, do not learn how to treat a sexual partner, about diseases they can catch and the importance of mutual consent. Most importantly no one discusses with boys to think about are they emotionally and financially ready to be a father. Any time a boy has sex, he can get a girl pregnant. Even if they were using birth control. There is no method that is 100% safe (CDC, APA). Furthermore, pornography is not really sex. It is a fantasy that the pornography industry has created for men. As a result, boys are watching pornography thinking they are learning about sex and they are learning about a fantasy. They are not learning about an intimate relationship between a two adults.
Many parents may feel this issue doesn’t apply to their son. However, with the internet being available on laptops, game centers and phones most people stumble on to pornography by accident or very easily find it. Look online for yourself. It is very easy to access pornography in today’s world. Most research studies indicate that most boys have been exposed to pornography between the ages of 8 years old and 10 years old (APA). Their young minds are not prepared to process what they are seeing nor are they prepared for the feeling they experience and how their bodies are responding to what they are seeing. They continue to watch and to go back to the sites over and over and many become addicted. Men think back to when you were 13 years old and the pornographic magazines, such as PlayBoy, you would look at and hide in your bedroom. What you looked at would be considered G rated compared to the pornography boys and seeing today.
Even though pornography addiction is not a formal psychiatric diagnosis yet, most research studies have concluded that the number of teenage boys visiting porn sites at least once a day has reached epidemic rates. Some teenage boys have self reported going to porn sites five to 10 times a day. Therefore, while the DSM V does not list porn addiction as a formal diagnosis, many researchers and clinicians believe that people especially teenage boys can become addicted to pornography.
This is an issue parents do need to pay attention because of the pandemic. Teenagers were having to spend more time at home and could not see their friends like they were use to. Therefore, many teen boys are reporting being bored during quarantine and some report being slightly depressed. Since they were spending more time in their bedrooms they had easy access to pornography via their phones or laptop and some video games, being very bored the temptation to look at pornography can be overwhelming and easy to give into. This simple distraction could have easily turned into an addiction during the pandemic and since it’s so easy to get, the risk of it becoming an addiction continues. Many teenage boys feel very isolated and are confused and overwhelmed by the sexual feelings the pornography creates in their minds and bodies (APA, CDC). Pornography therefore becomes an easy escape and habit before they know it.
Additionally, life is still not back to normal after the pandemic. Many people are still dealing with stress, anxiety and depression created or exacerbated by the pandemic (CDC). In addition there are difficulties with our economy and a number of laws being passed restricting what teenagers can read or learn about in school. Their schools are already stressful due to daily mass shootings and now these new laws are making school even more confusing. People may say kids are not even aware of these issues, but don’t forget all of this information comes up on their IPhones. Many teens discuss politics in their sessions because politics are impacting their lives. Furthermore, in my opinion the way conservative politicians are addressing these issues is making pornography more attractive to students. The children of this generation are very politically aware and they want a chance to see and decide for themselves if certain books or topics should be banned from school (APA). As a result teenage boys are feeling increase stress and they have learned that pornography can decrease their stress. Therefore, they are using pornography to help them cope with their current stressors.
Lisa Ling did an episode about porn addiction in her series This is Life. I have included the YouTube link here to the episode. YouTube does charge $1.99 to watch the episode but if you have teenage boys it is well worth the cost. She was able to talk to men in their thirties, homosexual men and an 18 year old high school senior who openly discussed their struggles with pornography and masturbation. They all explain how easy it was to become addicted but how difficult it is to stop. Some men had been trying for years to stop using pornography and still can’t succeed. Here is the link https://youtu.be/UqoCg9Srs18.
Additionally, these men and teenager discussed how pornography has negatively impacted their lives. Besides the guilt and shame they felt about their addiction, they reported difficulties with obtaining and maintaining an erection. Many also reported a decreased interest in having sex. They no longer felt interested in women sexually. They stated they were sexually interested in pornography only. One man stated the only way he could have sex with a woman was to fantasy about porn. Many of you may think these issues primarily pertained to the men in their thirties or 40s. Well these issues impacted the entire group even the 18 year old high school senior. The 18 year old high school senior reported he was only able to get an erection if he was watching pornography. He also stated he no longer was finding girls his age sexually attractive. He stated he found he was more attracted to pornography and despite his desire to stop he was not able to stop watching pornography. I have heard many teenagers and men make the same statements in sessions so it is reality.
Overall most of the men reported feeling isolated and lonely due to pornography. They felt embarrassed to tell their families or to seek help. Even if they wanted help, they did not know where to go to get help. The man who arranged this group that Lisa interviewed started a website NoFab. It is an online support group helping men over come their addiction to pornography and masturbation. When I say men, most guys on the site are between 18 and 24 years old. This site found that teens between the ages of 13 and 16 are at the greatest risk for becoming addicted to pornography. Most likely because at that age a boys hormones are out of control and they have little to no sexual experience. Also remember the frontal lobes of teenager’s brains are not fully developed until 25. The frontal lobes are responsible for our ability to reason and judgments. So unfortunately what they learn about sex comes from pornography a fantasy world and since their brains are not fully developed, the fantasy world can easily take hold of their behavior.
Father’s if you noticed changes in your teenage son in the past and you think it may be related to pornography or if he is spending a lot more time in his room then talk to him about pornography. However, do so calmly and gently. Remember how you felt at his age and if the subject of sex came up. You don’t want to embarrass him or make him feel his sexual feeling are wrong or perverted. Explain that pornography is a fantasy and not reality. It is adult entertainment not entertainment for teenagers. Also explain how it can give a boy the wrong idea about how to treat a woman or what she really wants. Basically, do not be afraid to have an open, frank discussion about sex and pornography. Also don’t be afraid to ask if they feel they are having problems with pornography. Reassure them if they are, you will not get mad and you will help them find help for the issue. Remember don’t shame them. Be there as their father to eliminate the lonely, isolated feeling and help them on the road to recovery. Also tell them how proud you are that they were brave enough to speak up and ask for help.
If your teenager needs help look for a psychotherapist who specializes in teenagers, addiction issues and sexual issues. Pornography addiction is not like being an alcoholic. A person can stop drinking alcohol, however, they cannot stop having sexual feelings. Sexual feelings are part of being human so they have to learn a new way to relate to their sexual feelings.
Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 25 years experience treating children, teenagers and trauma victims including first responders. For more information about Dr. Rubino and his work and private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple or Audible.