High school and the teenage years can be a very difficult time for teenagers and parents. This time of life has become even more difficult due to social networking, such as Facebook, smart phones and computer technology not to mention the fact that teenagers have easier access to drugs. Teenagers can obtain the typical street drugs, marijuana and heroin, designer drugs, such as ecstasy and spice, as well as prescription drugs such as Vicodin and Concerta. These drugs can easily be obtained on most middle school or high school campus today. And yes, this is the truth. I have teenagers tell me all the time about the drugs they can obtain at school.
Life and society are advancing and changing so fast that life is becoming overwhelming and confusing for teenagers and for parents. One thing that has not changed, is that parents are a child’s main role model and parents provide their teens with cellphones, laptops, cars etc. However, with the rapid changes in our society, a lot of parents have forgotten that they are their teenagers primary role model and primary source for obtaining all the things teenagers feel they cannot live without.
One major issue is that parents don’t feel respected by their teenagers. However, very often, parents don’t require teenagers to be respectful. Many parents may set rules and their teenager blatantly ignores their parents and nothing happens. Parents tell me this often and I suggest suspending their teenager’s cellphone service or not taking their teenager on a family trip or vacation. Many parents look at me and say they cannot do that to their teenager. They tell me how their teenager relies on their cellphone or how they have been planing on a trip or a vacation. Parents also tell me if they take such actions their teenager will become very difficult to live with and make life in the family home very difficult.
So who is in charge, you or your teenager? Well, it appears that your teenager is in charge. Remember they know you very well. They know you will be anxious or feel guilty about imposing tough consequences. Therefore, they are not afraid to disrespect their parents and do what they want because they know there likely will be little to no consequences.
Therefore parents, if you want respect don’t be afraid to impose consequences. Remember your teenager needs you to pay their bills and to give them consent to get a drivers license. Parents have more power than they realize. Also if you don’t expect respect and allow disrespect that is what you are going to get.
Any time I have explained how much their parents do for them to a teenager and what would happen if mom and dad stop, I have never had a teenager not stop and think. If the teen still chooses to test the limits as soon as they see mom and dad will stand by what they say, they soon learn to respect mom and dad.
Parents it is very important to remember to only set limits that you are willing to enforce. If you don’t, your teenager will realize that you are not serious and will not respect your word or authority.
Parents it is also important to remember that you cannot just start setting limits when your teenager turns 15 years old. By this time, you have established patterns of respect or disrespect. You need to start talking to your child at age 5 about following the rules that mom and dad set and respecting mom and dad. It is a process that takes time. It is important that you remember this fact. From the day they are born, you start teaching your child about how to act appropriately in the world. They need you to teach them about what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. Because when they turn 15 years old and start to do more things on their own, if they act inappropriately other people will not be understanding like you. Instead, they are likely to get into trouble because other people will not tolerate their inappropriate behavior.
I have teens come into the office all the time and complain that they feel like their parents do not care about what they do. Often teens make this assumption because they say their parents set no boundaries for them or they feel that the parents care more about their careers than them. At times parents do focus more on careers or stop setting limits because they feel that their child doesn’t listen to them. Parents often feel this way because their teen will say, “I don’t care what you think or I don’t care what you do”. However, they do care and often they say these things or act this way because they feel hurt.
Every child, no matter what they say, wants to know that they are important to you, that you care about what they say and you care about what they do. One major problem that I encounter with parents is that many parents do not practice what they preach. Yes you are an adult and you have a right to drink alcohol or engage in other adult behaviors, but you need to do so responsibly. If you drink alcohol, do so responsibly. Also watch how you speak to your teenager and other people. Do you treat people in a respectful manner or are you rude to people?
A lot of parents will come in and tell me that their behavior doesn’t matter and that their child has no idea what they do so they can do what they want. The truth is, your behavior does matter and your children know what you are doing even if you think they do not know.
I have had an eight year old children and teenagers complain that “my mom drinks too much wine”, or “my dad smokes pot in the garage” or “my dad talks mean to people”, or “my parents fight too much.”. When I try to talk to a teenager about their behavior after they have said something like this, the teenager responds, “if my parents can do it, why can’t I?” This is difficult to argue with if the parents are using illegal drugs or abusing alcohol. Also the fact that eight year old children also make these comments demonstrate that if you want your teen to act respectful, then as a parent you need to model respectful behavior starting when they are born. Also children want to know that they are important to you and setting rules and enforcing rules communicates to your kids that you care about them.
The bottom line is that as a parent you have the most significant role in your child’s life. If you want your child to grow up to be a mature, responsible adult, then you have to act like a mature, responsible adult and you need to do so from the day they are born.
In this world where things are changing over night, children need to know they can rely on their parents to protect them and guide them. Again given how fast society is changing, this is not an easy job for a parent. The easiest way to sum it up is to remember to practice what you preach.
Dr Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience working with teenagers and their parents. Dr Rubino is considered an expert in this area. For more information on Dr Michael Rubino and his private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com.