The first step in achieving sobriety from sex and porn addiction is education and awareness. Education is learning a new concept while awareness is the application of this new knowledge upon yourself. So today, let’s take a look at the addiction cycle itself.
First, it begins with a trigger or craving. These triggers or cravings are different for everyone, but it is important to note that these triggers or cravings lie outside of the addictive cycle. They are primarily what drives you into the addictive, or rather they drive you to the choice point leading into the addictive cycle.
Now, as you enter into the first choice point, it is important to recognize that you are seeking comfort or escape from the craving or trigger that has sent you here. Making a healthy choice will keep you out of the addictive cycle, making an unhealthy choice or making no choice at all, acting by default, will land you in the cycle of sex and porn addiction.
As you enter into the sex and porn addiction cycle it is important to understand the four simple stages.
Stage one, preoccupation.
Stage two, ritualization.
Stage three, using.
Stage four, despair or guilt.
Stage one, preoccupation, is where we allow our minds or ourselves to live in an alternate reality. Preoccupation is not simply a thought. Here is a quick thought exercise, whatever you do, don’t think about a pink elephant… What are you thinking about? Most likely a pink elephant. So it is not our thoughts that continue the addictive cycle, it is more our preoccupation – existing an alternate reality or fantasy land. What is worth noting is that while we are living in this state of preoccupation, our brain is already starting to receive quite the rush. Oftentimes, addicts describe the first two stages of the addictive cycle to be just as powerful as the actual using stage. It is also important to acknowledge that simply living in this state of preoccupation, or fantasy world, is part of the addiction. Often times individuals believe that keeping themselves, and allowing themselves, their fantasy world of preoccupation is not a part of the addictive cycle because it stops short of technically using. However, the simplest way to look at and understand if certain behavior is a part of the addiction is to assess whether or not there are negative consequences. It is self-evident that living in a fantasy world will bring with it negative consequences, such as isolation, spending less time with family, friends, and loved ones, being distracted at work and thus poor job performance, losing sleep as a result of staying up later than one otherwise would to indulge and engage in their preoccupation.
Stage two, ritualization, this is the pattern of behavior that one engages in as a part of their addictive cycle. This might be a website that is your favorite to go to, or that person that you like to text explicit images and messages to, or the drive to a certain location where you plan to act out such as a strip club, a hotel, a rest stop etc. Your brain is also receiving an incredible chemical rush during the ritual stage, so much so that addicts often state they receive as much a high from their ritual as they do from acting out. This is part of why sex crimes are so often easier to catch, because the individual acting out is following a repeated pattern of behavior as part of their ritual.
Stage three, using, is rather self-explanatory. This is your preferred method of acting out, this is what the preoccupation was so occupied by and your ritual was leading up to.
Stage four, despair or guilt. People experienced this stage, and quite frankly every stage of the sex and porn addiction cycle, differently. Typically, after you have fantasized engaged in your ritual leading up to using, then the act itself, you are left in your stupor. You are most likely experiencing your ‘Sunday morning coming down’ as Johnny Cash called it. The reality of your actions sets in during this fourth stage, you are brought to the realization of the consequences of your actions. You are reminded that despite your best effort to escape, numb, avoid, find relief in your addictive cycle it has once again completely failed you and left you feeling in a deeper hole than what you were momentarily before trying to escape. This feeling of despair and guilt often times leads us right back to the first stage of the cycle, preoccupation. Not many people enjoy the feelings of despair and guilt and we know one tried and true method to relieve the painful reality of those emotions, which is to jump right back in to our addiction. And thus, the cycle begins all over again.
It is possible to stay in this addictive cycle for years before you are able to extricate yourself. Some people never extricate themselves from the sex and porn addiction cycle that has trapped them, or where they have trapped themselves.
It is also possible to stay stuck in various stages, say preoccupation or guilt, for extended periods of time. It is not uncommon to find someone staying in one of these two stages and not moving towards the other areas of the cycle. Some feel that they are at least not acting out if they are only staying in preoccupation, however we know that even preoccupation is escaping the craving or trigger while also creating negative consequence.
The key take away from this post, is to really try to self identify what this cycle looks like for you. What are your cravings or triggers that can potentially set you into your cycle. What do the four stages of your sex addiction cycle look like for you? Most importantly, look at the choice points along the cycle. What choices are you making along the various stages that are keeping you in the cycle? Maybe there are no choices for you and if so this is a key insight for you, meaning there is no friction or choice points along your cycle.
One key action item that you could take away from this post if you wanted something to work on, is begin a list of ideas, I called them interventions, things that you could try to implement at the various choice points when you find yourself triggered or craving or in your cycle. Deploy your interventions and see if one of them helps to prevent you from entering the cycle, or helps to extricate you from the cycle. You will find more failed interventions then successful interventions. But really, the key to what you’re doing is your flexing your muscles of engagement. You are staying engaged and understanding the addictions cycle, and how it applies to you, and now we are testing different interventions and seeing what works for you.
There are other unique facets to this, the choice paradox can play into this, memory retention techniques can play into this, but that is a bit more nuanced than I am able to get into in a simple post like this. I hope you find this helpful, please feel free to visit my website www.bpbcounseling.com or reach out with any questions, blair@bpbcounseling.com, I am here and happy to help.